Harton Town are in trouble. With three games left before the end of the season, they’re six points adrift at the bottom of the table. They need a hero. They got a delivery driver. And not a particularly good one at that.

Johnny Cook is out of shape, out of luck and very nearly out of hair. But it wasn’t always like this. Back in 1986, he was Harton’s hottest young striker for almost twenty minutes before a heavy challenge ended his career on the same night it began.

Due to a ridiculous, and yet somehow plausible, series of events, Cook is given the chance to save his old club from the drop. His players hate him, his chairman hates him, and his girlfriend is struggling to recall exactly what it was she ever liked about him.