Ashwood City – The Epitome of Modern Football

Ashwood City are featured on the mockumentary podcast; The Offensive (“The Thick Of It meets Fifa career mode… A must listen” – The Guardian, “Podcast to Binge on” – Spotify, nominated for "Best Fiction Podcast" at the British Podcast Awards 2019)

The epitome of modern football is encapsulated in a corrupt corporation in a corroding corner of Kent; Ashwood City. With its tedious boast of never been relegated from the Premier League and its hundreds of thousands of loyal, if not utterly disillusioned supporters, this club has often been described as a sleeping giant. It would seem the giant has finally passed away un-peacefully in its sleep, shortly after urinating on the bedsheets.

The Offensive, the multi-million pound gamble to finally awaken the giant has failed in its first season as the club have fallen back into the comforting arms of mediocrity, rather than take the risks that were promised to break into the league’s elite Big Six.

Ashwood now look to be hanging on in the top-tier of English football for yet another season and with a trail of discarded managers in its wake it’s been turbulent campaign. The rumours circulating the club are that Patrick Nolan is to be reinstated as Chief-Executive and the ambitious corporate restructure, in true Ashwood style; has failed miserably. The club have taken to gloating after their only achievement this season – relegating Huddersfield Town, which has all the bragging rights of switching an elderly relative off at the plug.

Somewhere out in the network of football billions is a potential owner that could salvage this club and pry it from the relenting claws of Nolan and his boardroom cohorts. For now, the people of Kent must accept that their only Premier League representation has once again has let them down.

Last summer with Dan Watson as manager it would seem the sun briefly broke through the clouds and bathed Dartley Park in hope… Now not even a stimulating thunderstorm has drowned out the sunshine - instead just the infinite rolling greyness of a dull overcast. The dreary suffocating mist of Patrick Nolan descends once again over Ashwood City, the expired giant barely visible through the haze.

The Offensive Podcast is available on all podcast platforms, listen to episode 1 now and catch up before the end of the season.


If you enjoyed that, you can read articles from our most recent magazine here.